Some curse God, some don't believe in a god, and some develop a deeper relationship with their faith.
For me, I had seen death before, but it never really hit home, it was someone else's friend, family member, I felt bad for them, did my best to comfort them, but it never stayed with me. I don't say that to be flippant or harsh, it just never really struck me full on.
Until that day....the day my friend was involved in an MVA, the day my life, and the lives of many in my community changed forever. Death became real to me, as a person and as an EMT. Ever since that day, everyone I run across on an emergency call is my friend, my family. I wouldn't say I held back before, I did all I could within my training. And I wouldn't say I do more in that aspect now, I still do all within my capabilities, but something has changed, something deep within me, something indescribable.
I find myself praying more on calls, on the really bad ones. Asking God to help all responding to do our best, to help the ER doctors and nurses, to help the patient, and to be with the family, for anything that comes to mind. I still generally don't pray out loud, unless a patient asks me to pray with them, but something has changed in me, since that call years ago I don't think we as responders know anymore about death than anyone else, I don't even think we handle it any differently than anyone else, simply we see it more often. When we joke about it, we aren't making light, we are coping. We cry, we grieve, we laugh, we pray, just like anyone else. We just have to shove it aside and get back to work some days. And we court the fine line between coping and ignoring our issues some days. We are human.
What do EMTs know about dying that non-responders don't?
I posted this on Facebook shortly after my friend, also named Dave, passed away, back in June 2010
Life goes along, everything seems normal, and in an instant, everything changes....don't take anyone or anything for granted, don't assume your friends and family know how much you care, in the blink of an eye the routine becomes hell, and you can't reverse time....Wednesday afternoon will be forever etched in my mind, everytime my pager goes off, everytime that gear goes on, I'll remember Dave. Everytime I go on a call, he'll be right there with me. Dave has made the fire service real for me, and I suppose that isn't a bad thing. Every call is someones son, daughter, father, cousin, loved one. I hate to admit it, but before it dawned on me that the man we had just rushed to the ER was a close friend, brother even, it didn't really faze me, I had done my part, and, for the most part, other than training and learning purposes, wouldn't really be effected by it. Then I saw the license, the recognition floored me, the entire world it seemed, had changed. I know that going over what if's and such change nothing, but I still do. I know I can't reverse time, but I still wish I could. But life goes on for those of us left down here below, it just chugs onward, sometimes almost cruelly so it seems. I nearly turned my pager in over all this, said I'm done, but I love what I do, and as I said to one of the guys at the FD, If noone showed up when the siren goes off, then where would we be. It will be hard some days, some days I'll shed tears, but I, by the grace of God will push on, if nothing else, maybe I can save someone else's Dave. Psalm 139
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